Boomerang.

Ive been messing up alot...
No matter how many times I give it back, up to, over to God. it always comes around again. And I honestly do, and all my defenses seem to just back down again. I promised God no more mistakes, no more, ha, how many times have I promised Him that?! I hate myself and my stupid flesh all the more every day, I know what I want and I want what He wants for me.. but apparently there's that little piece of me that chooses to rebel. But why does that one little piece have to ruin my whole attempt to please Him? I'm sick of feeling like a failure. I'm sick of myself.

“If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
I should just cut my whole body off or just all my limbs and my head hahahaha


I don't want you to come back
but you keep coming around
and my arms are getting wider
I'm growing tired of this open and close
I've become nothing more than lines and prose

My sights are set on You
and my heart is set on you.
my life is set on You
and my mind is stuck on you.

And you just keep coming around again
no matter how far I run
you just keep coming back and suddenly everything I've worked for is gone.

I let you go, I set you free
I never asked you to come back
Well, I thought I was finally free and then you boomeranged back to me
boom yourself back to where you came
boom yourself back, I'm tired of these games.

I've been tripping over myself for quite a while now, by the time I look up, I'm back down
the ground looks so nice and ugly from here, quite like myself, it makes me wonder if we're related
I don't remember looking like this, but I guess we've all changed and dated.

you've beaten me with your boomerang no matter how hard I run
I cant seem to get away from the games we play
and from this hit and run
Now I'm not ashamed to say I'm coming undone
I'm sick of my self and what I've become.

There's this part of me that wants to pick up my stuff and get out of town
but the other part seems to hold my body down - gun to my face, pushed back in the ground.
And I know its not me here - lying face down in the mud
just another part of a lost soul I've never seen before seemingly running a muck.

I've made up my mind to get out from this rut
this muddy disposition I'm in
from the ugliness I see here on the floor mirrored by who I've been
And it may be who I am but it will be who I've been
Cause I've made up my mind, I'm done with this time
Of hiding the trouble within

Oh, the numerous times I've said this same thing, it must seem like worthless talk
maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I know what has to happen, I know I keep failing
I know I'm a mess, and I know I've got to distance myself.
I wouldn't trust me and still You love me regardless of all my junk
I can't see why You would choose me, among the others around.

You know I want what You have for me, why can't I stay on that road?
I seem to keep stopping on the sidewalk for a nice drink and a scone,
By the time I realize and toss them aside, It's too late and I'm back where I began,
on my knees begging please won't You get me on track again.

This boomerang seems to come back again, no matter how far I run
This boomerang seems to knock me out again, even when I said, "I'm done."
But there's a Light inside of me, simply reminding me, it's time to get up and be done -
with boomerangs and two word slang - like: that's it, I'm finished, I'm done.
You've found where I am, this wasn't my plan, of tripping and falling a ton.
You obviously see that which is inside of me wants to be woven and spun
not drowning and ripping and slipping and kicking, and screaming ,"I'm covered in mud."

I've decided I'm done with this boomerang, this thing that keeps pushing me down.
I've decided I'm done with this boomerang, keeping it here and running away.
I've decided I won't throw this boomerang, and wait for it to return.
That's it I'm done, not just for the day. I'll break this boomerang and it won't fly again.
No longer will it taunt me and push me and haunt me.
No longer will I play with boomerangs, I'll just break it, leave it there and turn away.




hopefully.