We both wish we were a little different. Me a little worse, you a little better. Either way I can't win. I won't win. I'll never win

My dreams take flight and catch that ever so momentous first glimpse of the gleaming sun - just in time to be locked away again in the idle box of the heart.
Why so cast down oh my soul?
Has not God awarded the righteous with dreams and visions?
Take them out of your idle boxes and rocking chairs!
For everything shall fall into place in the exact appointed time which I will soon make known to you.
Do not loose heart.

No One Ever Really Wants To Be In The Passengers Seat

Once again I’ve laid down my Isaac...
Will this never ending cycle of hit and run ever end?
I've given you everything now, haven't I? Probably…
But You'll find one more thing to claim as Yours.
And I know its Yours, but can't I just have one (perhaps good) thing that’s totally mine?
Something that I choose- that I want-that makes me happy. Is that too much to ask?!?
C'mon I mean I've devoted my whole life to You!
Well I’m not there just yet but I want to be there and I’m getting there,
Slowly…

Everything just has to be a process, a slow and painful process.
Carefully mulling over every open, pussing sore.
I can't see the beginning from the end anymore- I don't know what’s black and white-
I can't see the difference from a snare and a good thing; it’s all the same!
I can’t trust my emotions, I cant trust my mind, I can’t trust myself.
I look for my hope in You. My soul cries out from the deepest depths-
Just show me Your will, Your plan this once.
Show me the point in all of this – what is the reason for this agony? For this encounter?
I would have been better off for our paths to have never crossed, when all it causes me is bittersweet agony.
This fear of letting go has over taken me, this fear of being forgotten, this fear of fear.
Fear is a miserable friend, so unwelcome, so unwanted, so comfortable.
Fear is no longer my friend.
I will no more fear the things I don’t understand, and the outcome of my trials.
You work all things together for my good and Your glory!
I will trust in You and not fear.


Still I wonder Your plan in all of this, I wonder it daily.
I wonder did I even choose the right path in all of this?
Obviously not or I wouldn’t have to carry this pain.
So I’ll humbly take this and lay it down at Your feet.
I want to sit at your feet, hold Your hand, and seek Your face.
I’m learning everyday who to rely on.
I’m learning everyday who my supply is.
I’m learning everyday who to cling to.
I’m learning everyday to run to You.

You hold me in all my junk, You love me in all my mess, You carry me through all my trials.
How quickly I forget these things, and this is what I must remember.
How quickly I run away from You when I am sinking, and how much more quickly I sink.
But Your ways are so gracious Lord, You won’t let me fall, even in my stubbornness.
Show me my insides Lord, reveal to me my ugly motives.
Turn the mirror on my soul and let me see how gory I really am, how simpleminded, how impatient, how selfish, how arrogant, how stubborn I really am.
Yet through all this You still show me how You love me, guts and all–
And I am brought to tears at how You could love someone like me,
How You could take me back into Your arms so many times,
And how You assure me of Your magnificent yet unrevealed plan for my life.


Yet another part of me cries - My soul is so weary Lord, so weary from this constant grinding.
I think I will give up.
I know I can’t give up. I want to give up. I’ve got to give up, then I’ll be truly happy.
My insides are near death; this pressure against my organs makes my body weak and my mind go wild.
All I want to do is die, or somehow cast this pain into some dark part of the sea.
This pressure against my heart makes me wish it burst rather than to feel this constant aggravation.
I’d rather be gone and not feel at all.
I can’t take this.
Can’t take this.
Take this.
This.
This is Yours.
My fears are Yours, My plans are Yours, My shortcomings are Yours, My talents are Yours.
My hands are Yours, My heart is Yours, My mind is Yours, My future is Yours.
My life is Yours.
Take it Lord- You know I can’t do this without You. Well I could try but I know I would fail.
I’m done with arrogance and trying to do it on my own.
I’m done with trying to make things happen and trying to take control of the future.
I’m realizing daily how badly I need You. How badly I want You.
So I’m giving it all to You willingly. Change me, mold me, fashion me. Cleanse me.

You’ve taken it for me- my burdens, my fears, my wrongs, my not so right mind.

I Won't Try to Win Your Affection (title pending)

I won’t try to win your affection.
I don’t play these games, we all know Who will win in the end.
I won’t take part in your manipulation, I know your style – I know your kind.
I can’t do anything for you,
I can’t walk on water. I can’t give you life.
I can’t change your mind. I can’t force you to believe.
You wouldn’t see the Truth if it branded itself on your forehead.

I can’t force you to change, no matter how long I pray, how hard I cry.
I can’t feed you the pill and expect you to swallow it.
I can’t reach your hand towards the Truth that you know is there,
And I won’t force you to accept it, even though I would rather jam it down your throat.
I know I can’t compel you to even try, but oh how I want to.
You wouldn’t see the truth if it knocked on your door and said,”hello.”

We all have things we need to be delivered from, to each his own- to each her own.
To me my own.
I’m not even close, to perfect and I’m not even getting there but I’m trying.

My mind seems to catch every simple distraction and every blaring diversion.
I notice everything, everything but You.
Every missed encounter breaks me down a little more, beats me down a little more.
Suddenly, I can't seem to find myself anymore among this cracked broken vessel.
I'm slowly seeping through the cracks waiting to burst.
Patch me up Lord, come and awaken my soul from this ever-present slumber.
Pick up my remains and piece me together. Fill me with Your strength – Joy!
I can't do it this way anymore- I need to You.
I need you to be my escape; my ever present help and long lost Lover-
My every waking moment and each scattered thought.

I can’t live this life without You. I cant live this life and make it through.

My Hiding Place, My Safe Refuge.

Sometimes, I put too much faith into people and not enough into God. I'm learning that.
I'm struggling greatly in my life, In most areas, it's been a bumpy road, but I'm positive this is almost the end. And I cannot wait for the outcome.
I have problems displaying emotion to people, about how I feel about things, I am a bottle ready to explode but unable to until certain moments. I am noo hard on myself in somethings and too lax in others. I must ask the Lord to help me bring balance in my life. Everyday I am reminded that the Lord has EVERYTHING I need, I always forget that. I forget everything I need to remember and remember everything i need to forget. Its a never ending cycle with this mind of mine. My church is doing a corporate fast, and I'm excited for it. I'm excited to prayerfully take control over my life, mind,and emotions. I am excited to be fully engrossed in God. I no longer want to feel like a failure, I no longer want to be distracted from God, and important things of life. I need to be patient with people and forgiving. Not saying that I am not forgiving but i need to fully forgive and let go, of when people hurt me, whether they realize it or not. I must be willing to share my problems, feelings, and struggles with others, even if it means being an open book before them. 2010 will be my year of liberation and sheer happiness, complete peace, and 100% surrender. And NO ONE is going to take that way from me. Not a person, not Satan, not any circumstance.

You won’t find any stone idols in my house, only in my heart. Only You can break these barriers and only I can let You. Oh how I’ll let You. You come crashing down on my world in the sweetest symphonys and the loudest tunes. How beautiful are Your words towards me, O God. How wonderful Your plans, how infinite Your love. My torn heart ever praises You, ever seeks You, ever longs for You.

Mind wanderings

Sometimes, I am afraid that I will never reach my fullest potential. That I will never really know the Word and that I won't be credible enough to teach and guide others. I want to much to eat and breathe the Word, to know it inside and out, and yet I hinder myself by copping out in my time with God. I want Him so desperately, yet something always gets in the way. I get so distracted and can never seem to dive deep into prayer and the Word. I know these are all excuses and I hate them, but I feel like a hopeless case. I want to wake up and know it all, I want to wake up and understand it all, be able to convey it in the correct way and be able to share with people confidently so they can see what I can see. I know this won't happen and I know I need to try, I need to stop making excuses and I need to learn how to study the Word, I need to dive deep and strengthen my own relationship with God. I need to get away from all the distractions