Mind wanderings

Sometimes, I am afraid that I will never reach my fullest potential. That I will never really know the Word and that I won't be credible enough to teach and guide others. I want to much to eat and breathe the Word, to know it inside and out, and yet I hinder myself by copping out in my time with God. I want Him so desperately, yet something always gets in the way. I get so distracted and can never seem to dive deep into prayer and the Word. I know these are all excuses and I hate them, but I feel like a hopeless case. I want to wake up and know it all, I want to wake up and understand it all, be able to convey it in the correct way and be able to share with people confidently so they can see what I can see. I know this won't happen and I know I need to try, I need to stop making excuses and I need to learn how to study the Word, I need to dive deep and strengthen my own relationship with God. I need to get away from all the distractions

Get The Straight Jacket... She's Gone

I shouldn't be left here alone, just me and my mind. I shouldn't be left here tripping over time. I shouldn't be left here. I shouldn't be left here me and myself running with this mind (that keeps me alive). I shouldn't be left here. I shouldn't be left alone. I'm all guts and no glory. All dirt and so gory. I'm all Yours if You'll take me. My mind runs fast, and my body slow. I haven't done anything but disproven myself time and again. I've tried to do right by my mind goes left. Then I'm left replaying those moments in my mind. Those moments I've missed You. Those moments I've fallen short. So short. Those moments I’ve just fallen and I haven’t even been close to the mark.

I beat myself up to no end, me and my beating mind. Me and my deafening mind. Me and my stupid mind.

I’ve torn myself apart. I’m torn in two. One. Two. I am one and I am two. I am both and I am through. I hope. I shouldn’t hope it gets me nowhere. I believe. But to believe you need a word. This word I can’t say. This word I know all to well. This word I pretend not to know.

Lie.

I’ve made up my mind. That’s a lie.

I’ve made up my mind. That’s the truth.

I truly believe.

I believe it. I believe it.

I be-live it. I live it.

Not the lie but the truth.

I am my own worst enemy. That’s the truth.

I am my own saint- I am my own sinner-I am my own martyr- and my own warden.

I am alive and I am dead. I am sick and I am discerning.

I am so fed up of my twisted ways. Twisted with good, twisted with evil. Twisted with You, twisted with me. Flesh and spirit intertwined. That can’t be.

But here I wait for You to cure me. Or me to cure me, whichever must be done.

But I am my own cancer, and You are my antivirus.

So cure me as I’m left here alone- with just my mind, my ever wandering mind.

My broken mind, my bleeding mind, my bruised mind, my belligerent, barbaric mind. My crying mind, my yearning heart and my broken body.

Fix me Lord. Fix me. Fill me. Fashion me. further me.

Stretch me. Mold me. Use me. Use my lying here so unworthy. So contemptible.

Why must I always forget the one word I must remember, the word I must accept, that word on the tip of my tongue.

Grace.

Floods through my veins, to my fingertips and toes.

Through every fiber of my being.

Hurting at first, burning at first, changing at first contact.

Excruciating pain coursing through, redeeming pain.

Redeeming love.

Use me. Clean me up. I demand You, I urge You, I challenge You.

Make me Yours. All Yours. Only Yours.

You’ve left me here alone to battle with my mind. You’ve left me here to change, and it’s working this time. I’m here all alone and I run to You. As fast as my wounded self can take me, I run all the way to You. Broken and battered and you alleviate me.

You fulfill me.

You sustain me.

You carry me.

You restore me.

You are in me.

I’d like to be left alone here, just me and You and this serene mind.

I’d like to be alone with You.