Mind wanderings

Sometimes, I am afraid that I will never reach my fullest potential. That I will never really know the Word and that I won't be credible enough to teach and guide others. I want to much to eat and breathe the Word, to know it inside and out, and yet I hinder myself by copping out in my time with God. I want Him so desperately, yet something always gets in the way. I get so distracted and can never seem to dive deep into prayer and the Word. I know these are all excuses and I hate them, but I feel like a hopeless case. I want to wake up and know it all, I want to wake up and understand it all, be able to convey it in the correct way and be able to share with people confidently so they can see what I can see. I know this won't happen and I know I need to try, I need to stop making excuses and I need to learn how to study the Word, I need to dive deep and strengthen my own relationship with God. I need to get away from all the distractions

Get The Straight Jacket... She's Gone

I shouldn't be left here alone, just me and my mind. I shouldn't be left here tripping over time. I shouldn't be left here. I shouldn't be left here me and myself running with this mind (that keeps me alive). I shouldn't be left here. I shouldn't be left alone. I'm all guts and no glory. All dirt and so gory. I'm all Yours if You'll take me. My mind runs fast, and my body slow. I haven't done anything but disproven myself time and again. I've tried to do right by my mind goes left. Then I'm left replaying those moments in my mind. Those moments I've missed You. Those moments I've fallen short. So short. Those moments I’ve just fallen and I haven’t even been close to the mark.

I beat myself up to no end, me and my beating mind. Me and my deafening mind. Me and my stupid mind.

I’ve torn myself apart. I’m torn in two. One. Two. I am one and I am two. I am both and I am through. I hope. I shouldn’t hope it gets me nowhere. I believe. But to believe you need a word. This word I can’t say. This word I know all to well. This word I pretend not to know.

Lie.

I’ve made up my mind. That’s a lie.

I’ve made up my mind. That’s the truth.

I truly believe.

I believe it. I believe it.

I be-live it. I live it.

Not the lie but the truth.

I am my own worst enemy. That’s the truth.

I am my own saint- I am my own sinner-I am my own martyr- and my own warden.

I am alive and I am dead. I am sick and I am discerning.

I am so fed up of my twisted ways. Twisted with good, twisted with evil. Twisted with You, twisted with me. Flesh and spirit intertwined. That can’t be.

But here I wait for You to cure me. Or me to cure me, whichever must be done.

But I am my own cancer, and You are my antivirus.

So cure me as I’m left here alone- with just my mind, my ever wandering mind.

My broken mind, my bleeding mind, my bruised mind, my belligerent, barbaric mind. My crying mind, my yearning heart and my broken body.

Fix me Lord. Fix me. Fill me. Fashion me. further me.

Stretch me. Mold me. Use me. Use my lying here so unworthy. So contemptible.

Why must I always forget the one word I must remember, the word I must accept, that word on the tip of my tongue.

Grace.

Floods through my veins, to my fingertips and toes.

Through every fiber of my being.

Hurting at first, burning at first, changing at first contact.

Excruciating pain coursing through, redeeming pain.

Redeeming love.

Use me. Clean me up. I demand You, I urge You, I challenge You.

Make me Yours. All Yours. Only Yours.

You’ve left me here alone to battle with my mind. You’ve left me here to change, and it’s working this time. I’m here all alone and I run to You. As fast as my wounded self can take me, I run all the way to You. Broken and battered and you alleviate me.

You fulfill me.

You sustain me.

You carry me.

You restore me.

You are in me.

I’d like to be left alone here, just me and You and this serene mind.

I’d like to be alone with You.

Frustrated Wondering

Why is this song so me right now?... except I'm not quite there yet...

I have got no one to blame
Except if that someone’s me
I washed my hands, but just the same
My eyes confess for me
I come in filthy rags
You know I’m guilty

I wake up almost every night
Saying Your name
What I would give to walk in the light
But what I hide has made me lame
My face down on the ground
I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of Your move
Not stop with what I can see

I couldn’t walk
I couldn’t sing
I couldn’t love until You found me

"get up & walk" Bethany Dillon

Boomerang.

Ive been messing up alot...
No matter how many times I give it back, up to, over to God. it always comes around again. And I honestly do, and all my defenses seem to just back down again. I promised God no more mistakes, no more, ha, how many times have I promised Him that?! I hate myself and my stupid flesh all the more every day, I know what I want and I want what He wants for me.. but apparently there's that little piece of me that chooses to rebel. But why does that one little piece have to ruin my whole attempt to please Him? I'm sick of feeling like a failure. I'm sick of myself.

“If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
I should just cut my whole body off or just all my limbs and my head hahahaha


I don't want you to come back
but you keep coming around
and my arms are getting wider
I'm growing tired of this open and close
I've become nothing more than lines and prose

My sights are set on You
and my heart is set on you.
my life is set on You
and my mind is stuck on you.

And you just keep coming around again
no matter how far I run
you just keep coming back and suddenly everything I've worked for is gone.

I let you go, I set you free
I never asked you to come back
Well, I thought I was finally free and then you boomeranged back to me
boom yourself back to where you came
boom yourself back, I'm tired of these games.

I've been tripping over myself for quite a while now, by the time I look up, I'm back down
the ground looks so nice and ugly from here, quite like myself, it makes me wonder if we're related
I don't remember looking like this, but I guess we've all changed and dated.

you've beaten me with your boomerang no matter how hard I run
I cant seem to get away from the games we play
and from this hit and run
Now I'm not ashamed to say I'm coming undone
I'm sick of my self and what I've become.

There's this part of me that wants to pick up my stuff and get out of town
but the other part seems to hold my body down - gun to my face, pushed back in the ground.
And I know its not me here - lying face down in the mud
just another part of a lost soul I've never seen before seemingly running a muck.

I've made up my mind to get out from this rut
this muddy disposition I'm in
from the ugliness I see here on the floor mirrored by who I've been
And it may be who I am but it will be who I've been
Cause I've made up my mind, I'm done with this time
Of hiding the trouble within

Oh, the numerous times I've said this same thing, it must seem like worthless talk
maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I know what has to happen, I know I keep failing
I know I'm a mess, and I know I've got to distance myself.
I wouldn't trust me and still You love me regardless of all my junk
I can't see why You would choose me, among the others around.

You know I want what You have for me, why can't I stay on that road?
I seem to keep stopping on the sidewalk for a nice drink and a scone,
By the time I realize and toss them aside, It's too late and I'm back where I began,
on my knees begging please won't You get me on track again.

This boomerang seems to come back again, no matter how far I run
This boomerang seems to knock me out again, even when I said, "I'm done."
But there's a Light inside of me, simply reminding me, it's time to get up and be done -
with boomerangs and two word slang - like: that's it, I'm finished, I'm done.
You've found where I am, this wasn't my plan, of tripping and falling a ton.
You obviously see that which is inside of me wants to be woven and spun
not drowning and ripping and slipping and kicking, and screaming ,"I'm covered in mud."

I've decided I'm done with this boomerang, this thing that keeps pushing me down.
I've decided I'm done with this boomerang, keeping it here and running away.
I've decided I won't throw this boomerang, and wait for it to return.
That's it I'm done, not just for the day. I'll break this boomerang and it won't fly again.
No longer will it taunt me and push me and haunt me.
No longer will I play with boomerangs, I'll just break it, leave it there and turn away.




hopefully.

Today living scares me for some reason, and I honestly don't know why.
Just the sheer facts of being alive right now is frightening to me. It shouldn't be. I should be happy because I am dead to sin and alive in CHRIST! I think today is just one of those (well another one of those days) that my mind is running mad. spinning mad. fast. Too fast; eventually I'll learn how to calm it, and calm my spirit... and This David Crowder song just came on

"In the end when all of this is gone
And all that's living has moved on
The sun and moon will finally set
The wind will lay the seas to rest

In the end when all our souls will rise
All the nations, all the sides
Will feel the need for that dark place
For I and thee in His embrace

In His shadow there is peace
In His arms there is rest
In His word there is hope
In His hands there is grace

In the end, no hurting
In the end, no yearning
In the end, no suffering
No sadness or pain
In the end


To the end when all of this is gone
And all that's living has moved on
The sun and moon will rise and set
The wind will bring the seas to rest

To the end when all our souls will rise
All the nations, all the sides
Will feel the need for this dark place
For I am loved and this is His embrace

In His shadow there is peace
In His arms there is rest
In His word there is hope
In His hands there is grace

To the end, there's hurting
To the end, there's yearning
To the end, there's suffering
You're waiting and waiting

Oh to the end...
Oh to the end...

When it's dark
Souls will shine
When it's dark
We will rise

We were made to live forever...
We were made to live forever...

We will live to live forever...
We will live to live forever..."

Its so funny to me how peoples emotions are so effected by everything around us, I cant really comprehend how one can be happy, sad, frantic and every other emotion in the course of one day


-------

My life works in consistent tragedies just with different characters.
My brain works in lists of pros and cons wrapping and intertwining itself till I can't see the light of day and I'm spinning faster than a top

a dog can only chase its tail for so long

No matter how many times I run and play this game of hide and seek, You seem to take my back, dust me off, and love me all the more.

I let the last thread go.

The last strand, it’s gone I’ve given it up.

Finally.

Truly.

Honestly.

Wholly.

Completely.

How many times have I said that before? Too many to count. How many times have I said I’m serious about this, lets do this. Too many to fathom. I’ve beaten myself up over this to no end. Every time I return, I drown my logic out, I drown out You.

The darkness shields our faces and we reveal our secrets. Everyone’s got one, you tell me yours and I’ll tell me mine. Must I always prolong the end? All it does it blind me to the truth, I should know better than that by now.. I should know.. I do know…

When will I learn?

I dig myself so deep no one can get me out. I sit and wallow in my imperfection, my naivety, and my self pity. Replay. Over in my mind, and rationalize. Always rationalize. Where’s the reason and what’s the ration. How many times must I drag myself through the day, through the dirt, through the decision

I’m waking up from my dreams, I’m waking up to the light. I want every waking moment to be full of You. Only You. Turn my affections. Show me Your jealousy.

I’d like to think of my self as a modern day David. A soul torn between life and the Lover. Crying on the couch drowning in tears one day and the next dancing as a lunatic for the Creator. Doubting one second trusting the next. Destined for greatness abounding in the Truth, lost in a mad mind.