No One Ever Really Wants To Be In The Passengers Seat

Once again I’ve laid down my Isaac...
Will this never ending cycle of hit and run ever end?
I've given you everything now, haven't I? Probably…
But You'll find one more thing to claim as Yours.
And I know its Yours, but can't I just have one (perhaps good) thing that’s totally mine?
Something that I choose- that I want-that makes me happy. Is that too much to ask?!?
C'mon I mean I've devoted my whole life to You!
Well I’m not there just yet but I want to be there and I’m getting there,
Slowly…

Everything just has to be a process, a slow and painful process.
Carefully mulling over every open, pussing sore.
I can't see the beginning from the end anymore- I don't know what’s black and white-
I can't see the difference from a snare and a good thing; it’s all the same!
I can’t trust my emotions, I cant trust my mind, I can’t trust myself.
I look for my hope in You. My soul cries out from the deepest depths-
Just show me Your will, Your plan this once.
Show me the point in all of this – what is the reason for this agony? For this encounter?
I would have been better off for our paths to have never crossed, when all it causes me is bittersweet agony.
This fear of letting go has over taken me, this fear of being forgotten, this fear of fear.
Fear is a miserable friend, so unwelcome, so unwanted, so comfortable.
Fear is no longer my friend.
I will no more fear the things I don’t understand, and the outcome of my trials.
You work all things together for my good and Your glory!
I will trust in You and not fear.


Still I wonder Your plan in all of this, I wonder it daily.
I wonder did I even choose the right path in all of this?
Obviously not or I wouldn’t have to carry this pain.
So I’ll humbly take this and lay it down at Your feet.
I want to sit at your feet, hold Your hand, and seek Your face.
I’m learning everyday who to rely on.
I’m learning everyday who my supply is.
I’m learning everyday who to cling to.
I’m learning everyday to run to You.

You hold me in all my junk, You love me in all my mess, You carry me through all my trials.
How quickly I forget these things, and this is what I must remember.
How quickly I run away from You when I am sinking, and how much more quickly I sink.
But Your ways are so gracious Lord, You won’t let me fall, even in my stubbornness.
Show me my insides Lord, reveal to me my ugly motives.
Turn the mirror on my soul and let me see how gory I really am, how simpleminded, how impatient, how selfish, how arrogant, how stubborn I really am.
Yet through all this You still show me how You love me, guts and all–
And I am brought to tears at how You could love someone like me,
How You could take me back into Your arms so many times,
And how You assure me of Your magnificent yet unrevealed plan for my life.


Yet another part of me cries - My soul is so weary Lord, so weary from this constant grinding.
I think I will give up.
I know I can’t give up. I want to give up. I’ve got to give up, then I’ll be truly happy.
My insides are near death; this pressure against my organs makes my body weak and my mind go wild.
All I want to do is die, or somehow cast this pain into some dark part of the sea.
This pressure against my heart makes me wish it burst rather than to feel this constant aggravation.
I’d rather be gone and not feel at all.
I can’t take this.
Can’t take this.
Take this.
This.
This is Yours.
My fears are Yours, My plans are Yours, My shortcomings are Yours, My talents are Yours.
My hands are Yours, My heart is Yours, My mind is Yours, My future is Yours.
My life is Yours.
Take it Lord- You know I can’t do this without You. Well I could try but I know I would fail.
I’m done with arrogance and trying to do it on my own.
I’m done with trying to make things happen and trying to take control of the future.
I’m realizing daily how badly I need You. How badly I want You.
So I’m giving it all to You willingly. Change me, mold me, fashion me. Cleanse me.

You’ve taken it for me- my burdens, my fears, my wrongs, my not so right mind.